38 more days to Malaysia

hello people i'm back. burnt out and battered black and blue as ever.

yesterday i dreamt of home. i woke up in tears.

going through hard times, as always. tough times are always in fashion. they never go out of trend.

i'm just trying to survive day to day. one breathe to the next. dragging myself along. inching my way forward bit by bit. just trying to hold on before i get to inhale Malaysian air again.

i'm a below average medical student. but i'm still hanging on. still, am. i don't know what i'm doing or studying or what the heck the lecturer's talking about and sometimes i couldn't be bothered, but i'm still staying on. just to see what happens next. just to see how long Lisa Azelan can take all this.

and truthfully most times i don't feel so heroic. i feel like running away from all this. running away and start off again with something new, some place faraway from here. but yet i stay on. i hang on. that's just what i do.

i stay on. because maybe just maybe there's a slither of a chance, that this all will turn around, and the wheels start turning and suddenly i find myself at the top. i stay on, cause i wanna be there when it happens.

just a little bit more, lisa, just a little bit more. soon you'll be landing in KLIA, welcomed by the ones you love. then, you'll be scampering around town looking for char kuey teow. and when you taste that lovely taste of char kuey teow, all that hard work will be paid off i promise you (yes i'm pathetic, i use char kuey teow as motivation haha)

you'll be surrounded by the ones you love and actually appreciate your presence and you'll be wrapped in the hot sunny sun of Malaysia instead of being cooped up in this cold miserable room in Alex. tough times will pass, Lisa. they surely don't last. but tough people do! cliched, but entirely true, love.

you'll go everywhere with dad, you'll go eat at that fave Japanese place, you'll go visit Awin in MCKK, you'll spend time with mum, you'll roll around in bed the whole day in that small lovely homely room, you'll go hang out cousins' place, you'll get to hold baby Rania, and you'll make mum and dad proud when they say, "ni anak perempuan saya ni, balik cuti from mesir. belajar medic kat sana. tahun dua dah"

okay, i'm close to tears now. dear god, please give me the strength to go through. on days i feel entirely weak, give me bantuan dan pertolongan dari arah yg tidak ku sangka-sangkakan. inject me with enthusiasm and love and spirit.

jangan give up lisa. stay on.